I should be used to this right now. Since we separated over a year ago, Lola and Harry spend 2 nights a week with their daddy. I should therefore be used to an empty, quiet house sometimes. Tonight, however, the silence is deafening.
Four years ago right now I was in labour, about to give birth to the most beautiful little boy in the world. I was in agony. That said, I would swap that pain in an instant for the pain I have felt tonight. This pain can’t be fixed by an epidural nor pethidine. This is full on heartache…an indescribable anguish which will only be fixed when I am reunited with my missing pieces tomorrow.
I’ve spent the past couple of hours wrapping his birthday presents, decorating the house with banners and balloons and pretty much doing everything I can so that he has a day to remember tomorrow. I haven’t made any plans for the daytime…it’s his choice all the way. I can pretty much guarantee that a trip to the park and copious amounts of ice-cream will be part of the schedule though.
I get him back at 8.30am. I’m going to get up at 6am, have a shower, decorate his cake and make sure everything is perfect for him walking through the door. When I wake up at 6am the anguish will have undoubtedly transformed into excitement and I’ll be counting down the minutes until I get to give my gorgeous boy a birthday kiss and cuddle. By tomorrow afternoon I will be even more excited when I go to collect my gorgeous Lola from school and Team HALO (HArry and LOla) are back together again.
It sucks that I won’t wake up with my boy on his birthday. It sucks that I won’t hear his excited little voice as he wakes up and tells the world he is four. I don’t want sympathy…I’m just saying it sucks! But when you separate, you have to learn that what you want doesn’t matter anymore. Everything has to be done based on what is best for the children. Becoming a parent makes you pretty selfless but becoming a single parent takes it to a whole new level. I offered Harry’s daddy to have the kids tonight so he could wake up with him on his birthday…me sitting here alone tonight is my choice and for the benefit of the children.
It saddens me that life isn’t as it was 4 years ago when, as a couple, we were elated to have a son to complete our family. But that isn’t my life anymore and after over a year of adjustment, I am getting used to a new kind of normal. When I’m part of Team HALO, I experience the highest of highs. We have the best times, laugh uncontrollably, sing loudly and badly, dance until we are dizzy and make memories. By contrast, I also experience the lowest of lows in their absence. I am getting used to this though…I fill my time doing fun things and spending it with lovely people. It doesn’t often hurt like it has done tonight, and as with everything, this time will pass.
Divorce is bloody hard. It leaves you feeling like a shell of the person you once were…that’s my experience anyway. Somedays, my glass is overflowing, sometimes it’s half full, sometimes it’s half empty and on occasion I question if there is any water in my glass at all. Those times are getting fewer and fewer though and most days I am back to my irritatingly positive self.
In trying to turn everything in my life into a positive, I decided to start this blog in the hope that it will offer comfort, support, entertainment (on my good days) and even a little inspiration to those who are new to, struggling with or even sailing though separation and co-parenting.
So I suppose there are a few strands to this blog….I’ll be writing stuff about Team HALO’s adventures but also writing about stuff I get up to when I don’t have the kids and rediscovering the person who isn’t just mummy!
Here’s to a new chapter…thanks for getting on the rollercoaster with me!